


Vessels

by PurveyorOfBadPuns



Series: Dean Winchester, Gender Issues, and Self Esteem [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Gender Identity, Gender Issues, Genderqueer, Genderqueer Character, Genderqueer Dean Winchester, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Relationships, Internalized Homophobia, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Self Confidence Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-21
Updated: 2013-12-21
Packaged: 2018-01-05 09:47:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1092472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PurveyorOfBadPuns/pseuds/PurveyorOfBadPuns
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean gets drunk and decides to talk to Cas about his struggles with his gender.</p><p>"'Uh, hi, Cas…'  Dean trailed off, throat suddenly dry.  What was he thinking?  He couldn't tell Cas, not when he'd just gotten back, not with his reappearance still unexplained, not after that whole debacle where Cas had failed to be a hunter."</p><p>While this could be interpreted as Destiel, it could just as easily be interpreted as just close friendship.  View it as you will.  I prefer to view it as an expression of their profound bond, not of their profound boning.</p><p>(I am a Destiel fangirl, though, so I won't hold it against you if you choose to see it like that.)</p><p>Not exactly necessary to read the others in the series, but it will help with comprehension.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Vessels

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not so sure about this one; it took a lot of writing, re-writing, and edits, and I'm not sure I got their interactions quite down, but I'm about to go mostly off of wifi for the next two weeks, so I thought I'd better post something. I might re-write this in the future if I decide I don't like it. Please let me know what you think!
> 
> This takes place immediately after Hunteri Heroici (8.08), before Citizen Fang (8.09). Mild spoilers for Hunteri Heroici.

"Dean, you should talk to Cas."

"Sam, I can't."

"Dude, you know he won't care.  He smote the Westboro Baptist Church, and I'm about 110% sure he did it for you."

Dean ran a hand over his face, resisting the urge to roll his eyes. "No, Sam, he just did it because they're the ultimate den of hypocrisy, which he hates.  I– just– I just can't, okay? Not yet. He just got back.  I can't…"

"Lose him again?" Sam finished.

"Exactly."

"Well…" Sam started, breaking off.  "I'm here if you need me, okay?"

"Yeah, thanks Sammy," Dean replied.  "I got that."  His tone was dry.  Lately Sam, in his quest for Dean's happiness and acceptance of his gender blah blah blah, was getting a bit clingy.  Which was pretty great compared to soulless Sam or Sam trying to run away; but Dean could never admit it.

Sam cleared his throat.  "Even if it's not Cas, I think it might be good for you to talk to someone who's not me. I know 'dangerously-codependent' is kind of our signature, but…"  He trailed off with a grin.  Though he joked, Sam knew how Dean's mind worked, and he felt like the larger the number of people telling Dean that he wasn't a freak, the more likely it was that he might actually believe it.

"Get to the point, Sammy," said Dean, rubbing his temples. It had been a long couple of weeks, and at the moment he just wanted a shower and maybe some alcohol.  Brotherly love could come after.

"All I'm saying is it might be a good idea to talk to someone.  Eventually."

"Yeah, yeah, Samantha.  I need a drink," he muttered, marching over to his side of the room and grabbing a beer as he did so.  Sam rolled his eyes and went back to his research, managing to bite back a lecture on females not having a monopoly on emotional awareness and resist stating the irony of Dean calling Sam a girl _now_.  He patted himself on the back for being a good little brother for the second one.

\--

A few hours later, when Sam was asleep, Dean sat in the Impala, mildly drunk and leaning back in his seat, trying to psych himself up.  Though he had rejected it at first, the idea of talking to Cas had settled into his brain like a parasitic worm and come alive once he imbibed the required quantity of alcohol.  Which was much less than it used to be, because Purgatory had pretty much shot his alcohol tolerance to hell.  So it was past midnight, and he was out here in the Impala ready to talk to an angel about his… his genderqueerity.  Yeah.

"Cas, buddy," he started, not noticing that the words came out slightly slurred.  "I kinda need… well, I want, uh, can you just come here?  Please?"

A fluttering of wings and Dean found himself in the car with an angel, not quite sure what to say.  After months of praying with no response, he had half been expecting his prayers to fall on deaf (or dead) ears.  "Dean," Castiel said in his gravely voice, and Dean never thought he'd have missed that voice as much as he did, but now he thought he might never get tired of hearing it even if Cas stayed by his side 24/7 and insisted on lecturing him on quantum physics all day.

"Uh, hi, Cas…"  Dean trailed off, throat suddenly dry.  What was he thinking?  He couldn't tell Cas, not when he'd just gotten back, not with his reappearance still unexplained, not after that whole debacle where Cas had failed to be a hunter.  Although, it was the memories of that that gave him the courage to keep going; it was kind of hard to be scared of someone who just a couple of days ago had seriously tried to interrogate a cat (even if that person had also been God for a short time).

And Cas had confessed to him why he could not return to heaven.  If Cas trusted him with something that personal, that _painful_ , the least Dean could do was trust him with this.

(Though the part of his mind that sounded suspiciously like his dad told him that he was about to be left alone _again_ , that he could trust _no one_ with this.  It made his nerves buzz with anxiety.)

"You have called me and I have come."  Castiel's familiar voice was patient, calm, although it was Dean who had called him and then lost the nerve to speak.  He probably had important duties to take care of elsewhere, and here he was putting up with a drunken, nervous Dean as though it was his most important job.

"Thank you," Dean said sincerely.  And he meant it.  Cas had been putting up with his bullshit for so long, he wouldn't even know where to start the list, but he just kept on drawing from that heavenly reserve of composure.  "I just have something, I need to talk about with… uh, with you."

Cas nodded, staring straight into Dean's eyes.

Dean cleared his throat.  With Sam it had just come out; with Cas, it required planning and brain power he didn't have.  "It's about something that's been going on a long time now, well, I guess technically my whole life."

"That does qualify as a long time," said Cas seriously, and despite his nerves Dean had to bite down on a smile.

"Yeah, it does.  You know how I always act macho?" he asked hesitantly.

"I know that you always feel the need to appear in control of things," Cas said, a little bit too much like Sam for Dean's comfort.

He cleared his throat.  Now or never.  "Well… I'm not all the way a guy.  Inside.  Sometimes, er, most of the time, I don't feel like a guy, I mean."  Even after living with it for his whole life, he still had no adequate way to describe it, so he just trailed off awkwardly.  He bit his cheek and waited for the inevitable backlash, body automatically tensing up, but Cas just nodded, face irritatingly serene, as though Dean had commented on the weather.

"Well?" Dean demanded after a moment.  "Aren't you gonna tell me to man up or some bullshit?"

"You speak as though this should be a shock to me…"  Cas's head cocked in honest confusion, and Dean let out a mildly hysterical laugh.

"Isn't it?"  Dean's breath came faster and caught in his chest.  Did he somehow broadcast these signals?  Did everyone know?  Had his dad?  Bobby?

"Dean, carried your soul out of Hell.  There is not a part of you that I have not touched," and wasn't that just creepy as fuck.  "I never thought it necessary or appropriate to bring up your gender in conversation."  Castiel's voice was painfully gentle, and that almost made things worse.  Dean wanted– well, he didn't want, but it was comfortable and familiar– for Castiel to yell at him, tell him he was wrong, maybe shake him.  It was what he was used to, what he expected.  Hell, he was still shocked that Sam hadn't reacted like that.  Two people in such a short time…  Well, it felt like too much good luck, and for a Winchester that meant that his luck was about to run out.

At least if Cas did get angry, Dean would have been able to feel angry back.  Not like he was suddenly fighting to hold himself together.  "Why didn't you fix me?" he asked, his voice  a lot weaker than he would have liked, almost a whisper.  Cas _knew_.  Had known for years.  And he just… treated him like nothing was wrong?

"I did not believe that there was anything to fix," Cas replied, seriously.  "At the time I– I did not understand the human fixation on the physical form.  I, too, have no true gender, although I take a male vessel.  It is simply the norm among angels."

"Son of a bitch," Dean muttered, sitting back in his seat.  He didn't even know how to react to that.

"Dean… has this truly been causing you so much distress?" Castiel asked, nothing but concern in his voice, and for a moment Dean wanted to lie, wanted to put on that macho mask that he'd been perfecting over the years and say everything was fine and dandy, but against his will he found himself nodding, unable to lie to his best friend.  He slumped in his seat and rubbed a hand over his face, trying to control the way his hands were suddenly shaking.

Cas leaned toward Dean and put one hand behind his neck, forcing his head up to make eye-contact, and Dean would have to talk with him about personal space later, but not now.  "No matter your physical form, you are strong, you are beautiful, and you are loved.  Please understand this, Dean; you are not your body, as I am not my vessel."  Cas stared at Dean in that weirdly intense way he had, and, funny thing was, for the first time, Dean almost believed it.  For the first time, it felt like it really might not matter.

"Thanks, Cas," he said roughly, meeting that gaze head on.  Looking into those blue eyes, he was almost surprised to see nothing but affection.  No recrimination, no disgust.  Not even the mild discomfort that Sam had been trying to cover up since Dean told him.

"I have only spoken the truth.  If you wish… I gather from what I know of human media that hugs are appropriate in situations such as this."  He held out his arms stiffly with the same weird half-confidence with which he did everything, like he had no idea whether what he was doing was right, but he was gonna do it anyways and to hell with anyone who tried to stop him.

Normally, Dean would have shot that down right away, but… this was Cas.  Cas, who touched every piece of his soul and still thought he was beautiful, not broken.  Cas, who made him feel for the first time in his life like this didn't really matter.  Like he was whole.  Who knew that he wasn't all male, and who didn't think that he had to be to be valid.  Who was possibly the only person Dean knew who might be able to really understand his predicament, because as much as Sam tried, to him the whole gender thing came _easily_ , just so easily, and he would never know what it was like to question himself like Dean had.  But Cas…  Even if he wasn't in the same predicament with regards to social norms, he still understood having a body that never completely fit.

And fuck it, he could always blame it on the alcohol.

Emboldened by alcohol and solidarity, Dean leaned over and put his head on Castiel's shoulder, letting his arms rest awkwardly around Cas's waist while Cas wrapped his arms around Dean's shoulders and squeezed lightly.  It was the Purgatory hug, but warmer, softer, full of comfort and unity, not desperation.  They fit together like puzzle pieces, these two people (well, one person and one questionably person-like being) who didn't fit with the rest of the world.

It was good not to be alone, if only for the moment.

(It was so good not to have to care.)

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write about Cas's reaction to Dean's gender because, as is actually established in the series, Cas is kind of a different kettle of genderqueer (agender) because though he takes a male body, angels are genderless. Also, yes I know that the church Cas smote was not technically the WBC, but I'm pretty much sure it was supposed to represent it.
> 
> Disclaimer: My personal headcannon, based on what I observe in the show, is that Dean Winchester is genderqueer. However, I am not saying that he actually is, as that is something that cannot be decided by a third party, and I would only be convinced that he is canonically genderqueer if he said something on the show. I hope that my portrayal offends no one, since although a lot of it was taken from experiences of friends who are genderqueer, I myself am not. If you find something you disagree with, by all means let me know! I like to learn from my mistakes.


End file.
